What Are You Tolerating Out of Guilt?
A few thoughts that came to me during my morning pages that I wish to share with you all.
Guilt has to be one of the lowest, toxic feelings in existence. It keeps us from moving forward, it blocks us from experiencing true, unconditional love, and often keeps us trapped in situations and with people that we have outgrown, or are no good for us.
I would like to point out that kind and loving gestures from family, friends, co workers, partners… whoever it is in your life, should not be a reason why you stay involved with them. Especially when you feel the relationship has naturally reached its expiry date. Or if it becomes toxic, and/or you realise how toxic it was all along.
We have this damaging expectation that because you’ve known someone for __ years, that you have “history” and that you owe it to them to stick around. Or because someone was there for you during some hard times in your life, that you are now in debt to them. And you spend the remainder of your friendship doing kind gestures to “pay them back”. Even on a subconscious level. You may even excuse their sh*tty behaviour.
No more. Enough. You do not OWE anyone, but yourself to look after you.
We do not give love and/or support to people with the expectation that they will give us something in return, or that they owe us something. Of course, a mutual agreement or a contract is very different, but that entails both parties being up front about their expectations of one another. Not giving their all and then getting salty when the other person does not reciprocate.
If you do find yourself giving love and support to people, expecting something in return and then getting upset when the gesture is not reciprocated… that is not unconditional. You are silently holding someone to a contract. If you are doing that, be aware that your “act of kindness” is not pure love.
It is manipulation. Ouch. I know.
If you find yourself in a situation where you are setting boundaries for yourself and someone says to you “you should be grateful for all that I’ve done for you… I didn’t have to do that for you, you know!” And so on…
You may be in a relationship with a narcissist — the most toxic and damaging type of relationship there is. (If you want to remove yourself from being involved with narcissists once and for all, I highly recommend you check out this resource).
You are being manipulated.
Realistically, unless you are in an agreement or a contract with someone where you clearly stipulated that if person X does this, then person Y should do this…
You do not owe that person a damn thing.
That person CHOSE to do a kind gesture for you. Even if you asked them for it, they have the CHOICE to say no, or to come up with an alternative solution that they feel more comfortable with. Where they are not over-leveraged to the point they feel they need to be compensated at a later date (unless of course, they are upfront about it).
Examples of times that you do NOT owe people anything:
Your parents. This is going to trigger 95% of you. Stay with me. Contrary to many cultural ideals. It is not an adult child’s job to support a parent just because “they gave you life”. That was their choice to bring a child into this world. You literally did not ask them to be born. That was all on them. Same with the subsequent love and care, and everything else you received (or should have) as a child. That is their JOB as a parent to love you and care for you. Other luxuries, such as having a mobile phone paid for, braces, extra curricular activities; even if you asked and pleaded for those things, they chose to go through with it (or not). You do not “owe them” for that. They are adults making adult decisions. You should not be made to feel guilty years down the track for choices THEY made. For things they CHOSE to do for you, their dear child. Same goes for grandparents, aunts, uncles, you name it.
Staying in a workplace that is draining or simply not supporting your growth anymore. Your loyalty should be to yourself, first and foremost. No offence, but when you work for someone else, as much as you may be appreciated or highly skilled, they will just find someone to replace your slot. Even if they do their best to “make things work” for you to stay, if you feel you have reached your expiration date, then it’s totally ok to move on. This comes off the back of feeling like you owe your parents for everything they’ve done for you. You are now projecting this onto your boss. It’s ok to want more for yourself, to experience other things in life.
Staying in a friendship, family, or romantic relationship that you have realised is toxic, or simply not supporting your growth anymore. Emotionally toxic situations cause just as much havoc on your body as drinking or eating toxic food. Stress is stress to your body, and it will act accordingly. You will literally make yourself sick, and you won’t even know why it seems you’re falling apart all the time, either physically, emotionally, or both. Trust me, I have experienced this first hand.
Staying in friendships and relationships because there’s “history”. That is never a good reason to stay around. Ever. You are lying to yourself AND them. Wouldn’t you hate to learn that someone stayed your friend out of pity, not because they genuinely wanted to?
With all that said, you CAN be grateful and practice gratitude for everything your parents, family, friends, romantic partners, colleagues and mentors have done for you or supported you through. But unless you have had a discussion where both parties are clear on expectations of both sides… you don’t owe them anything.
True giving is unconditional. At least it should be. I personally ask myself every time I do something, or gift something to someone. Are you doing this with an expectation that you’ll get something in return?
No? Great!
Yes? That’s ok, be upfront about your expectations. If it’s not an appropriate situation to be expecting they return the favour… then ask yourself what that is about.
Giving without expectation in return is so much more fulfilling for both you and the recipient. But somewhere along the way, we built expectations as a society that we MUST give gifts at Christmas and birthdays, which is where random last minute, thoughtless gifts became a thing.
Don’t be that person. Don’t let guilt control you any longer. You deserve so much more than that.
With love,
Amya