If you’ve ever had these thoughts, I am willing to bet my money that your friend IS toxic, and YOU are not the crazy one.

You might not recognise them as a toxic friend. They might seem innocent enough. But they are the one who always has drama. A dilemma. The social butterfly who knows everything about everyone.

When you first meet them, they are your SOUL sister. Long lost friend. Someone who just gets you. You have so many shared likes and interests. She speaks your love language. She is there for you when you’re down. She has your back. She is thoughtful and sends you gifts. She is so vulnerable with you, sharing things about herself that no one else knows — you are SO special. She often makes you feel cherished and better than the rest.

This may go on for a few months. Maybe even a year.

But soon, the cracks show:

She stops being so readily available when you try to contact her — even though it was the norm for your friendship, and she expects you to be available too.
She may have lashed out at you a few times, or become passive-aggressive.
She seems to be hogging the conversation more and more, and you often feel tired after speaking with her. But “it’s ok. She’s going through a really hard time and this is what friends are for!” — you tell yourself.
She begins to gossip about mutual people, or people you don’t even know — harmless, right? She’s just venting!?
When you catch-up just the two of you, she asks about friends you’ve introduced her to: “So how is Melissa? Any updates on the boyfriend situation?”. She is SO caring about your other friends.
But then over time, the question about Melissa is followed up with comments like “Between you and me, I love her and no offence, but why is she acting so desperate? She always does this, and she should know better… [pregnant pause]. Oh, I’m not judging, I just worry for her.”
She repeatedly comes to you for advice about the same thing, but does nothing to change things for herself. You begin to wonder why she chooses to remain stuck with this situation…
…You also suspect she keeps talking about it just for attention.
She develops a subtle sense of rivalry with your other friends that you have introduced her to, but then suddenly, she is besties with your other besties — how wonderful!
Next thing you know, she is making plans with your other friends and goes ahead with said-plans, even though you can’t make it. And the next time you can make it to a catch-up, you notice a group dynamic shift. Suddenly, you’re slightly on the perimeter. But you convince yourself that you’re probably just making it up, and to not be so insecure…

There are so many examples, ones that I will share later to demonstrate red flags. I also share snippets on my Instagram page: @throatchakra.things. It is a collection of my own experiences and healing, with a focus on lessons learned from toxic friendships.

If you have recognised these traits in people you know. Beware that you are dealing with a narcissist. Likely, a covert one.

Covert narcissism is one of the sneakier forms of narcissistic personality disorder, because you feel like you’re going crazy. Others don’t share the same experience as you, because you are well and truly on the inside. New people, or people who only know them on the surface think they are AMAZING, moral people. And if you were to open up about feeling used, abused, drained and gaslit by this friend, then you would look like the crazy, judgemental one.

There is overt narcissism and covert. Overt is one that most people understand and spot easiest. Covert is best summarised by this graphic:

Narcissistic abuse is often talked about by pop psychology in relation to romantic relationships and parents. All of which are damaging. And in truth, the pattern that sets us up for narcissistic abuse is created from narcissistic parents.

I, on the other hand, choose to speak about covert narcissism; specifically, in female friendships. Aside from an overtly narcissistic, abusive father, I sadly have plenty of experience being friends with female covert narcs — before I woke up and healed.

A Quick Note On Resources:

I highly recommend Liana Shanti’s Healing from Narcissistic Relationships Program — it has been life-changing for me (I do not get any gain, monetary or other for sharing this with you).

There are so many layers — you WILL be revisiting this program and the clearings time and time again. Don’t let ego tell you that you’re all good because you’ve already done it once, or because you’re seeing a therapist. Talk therapy will only get you so far. This stuff is the real deal.

Instagram accounts that I found helpful for information about narcissists are (with zero affiliation of any kind, aside from @throatchakra.things):

@throatchakra.things — mine. Shameless plug. Especially useful when it comes to friendships.

@narcabusecoach

@reachonerecovery

@understandingthenarc

More Red Flags

There is so much more to say on the topic of narcissistic abuse. I will write more in future. But as promised, I will leave you with common red flags that I experienced with the most prominent covert narcs in my life:

After reading this, you will second guess if your bff/person in mind is a narc. And you will rationalise that they are not, because of all the nice things they’ve done for you. Know that this is only to keep you hooked as their supply, and that everything nice they’ve done is more about them than it is about selflessly doing things for you.
My first paragraph where I said: “When you first meet them, they are your SOUL sister. Long lost friend. Someone who just gets you. You have so many shared likes and interests. She speaks your love language”… This is classic narc mirroring. It’s not authentic to their personality. They are drawing you in. It’s also tiring for them to maintain, so when they suddenly change, you are actually seeing their real form.
They care a LOT about their appearance. Not in the general way that someone likes to be well-kept and put-together for their own enjoyment. It stems from their own deep wounding, trauma and fear of rejection/abandonment/unworthiness. Side note — narcs are heavily wounded people themselves. We are all wounded to different degrees. But they often are not interested in healing, or if they are, it is short-lived and surface-level.
When you first met them, they were quick to tell you their sob story. One where they were 100% the victim. Or maybe they admitted to a tiny fault, but it was covered with “but I’m only human”.
She starts copying parts of your personality, but you pass it off as an “inside joke thing” #bff.
You are absolutely drained after hanging out, even though you had a good time.
She retells a story to other friends with inaccuracies that sometimes make her look better, or you, worse. And you know this because you were there.
She gets sulky, passive-aggressive, or accuses you of judging her when you give your honest opinion, or pull her up on an inconsistent/self-destructive behaviour of hers.
She’s petty. Maybe not to you directly, but to the other people she is having beef with. Or the shop assistant that rejects her attempt to return an items that was on sale.
She has a history of “bad luck” when it comes to former friends. Always having fall-outs where her former friends suddenly turned on her.
You try harder with her than any other friend. You notice that you’re “extra” with her. My mum could always tell when I was on the phone to my narc-bff, because I unconsciously made myself extra bubbly and girly (so inauthentic of me, and gross).
She becomes passive-aggressive with you, and when you ask her what’s wrong, she says nothing and that you’re just over-analysing things.

There are SO many more signs, but the ones shared already are quite telling. It can be easy to dismiss or rationalise each of those scenarios. And sometimes, the rationale is legit and honest. What’s important is to notice the patterns over time. Collect the puzzle pieces (clues), put them together, and see the big picture. You won’t be able to deny it.

Those of us who are people-pleasers, or recovering people-pleasers are almost always recovering from narcissistic abuse from childhood. Often, we enable the narcissist and abandon ourselves; a well-worn neural pathway in our brain, with addiction to certain peptides as a result of interactions with a narcissist.

Narcissistic abuse causes cPTSD and damages areas of our brain. So if you are an adult who suspects you have ADHD/ADD, sleeping issues, a personality disorder, or feels you could be diagnosed with high-functioning autism because you “meet criteria”, I need you to know…

As a former Paediatriac Occupational Therapist and Play Therapy Trauma Counsellor, I saw MANY clients with diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD/ADD, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and so on.

But after digging into my their histories and that of their parents, it was almost always trauma of some kind, and could be healed. But not with a label, not with medication, and not with 5 different types of therapies and sensory toys or sensory diets.

I’m talking real healing.

For children, that means supporting the parents in re-wiring their child’s brain through conscious parenting practices, all of which involve interpersonal neurobiology and attachment theory. For adults, that means healing Mother Wound, Father Wound and from Narcissistic Abuse.

I’ve learnt a lot in my career as a therapist and from having talk-therapy myself. But I learned the MOST, and experienced the deepest healing and life proof from the resources I share on my website here.

My Final Words (For Now):

For anyone who has come to the end of this and is left with the sinking feeling in their gut that someone they love may be a narcissist (but you want to ignore it)…

Or if you are outraged by what I have said (that’s ok, triggers are a great invitation to look within)…

I see you.

I feel you.

And I am genuinely sorry for the pain and abuse you’ve endured, and probably haven’t realised that it was abuse.

But healing is possible. When you are ready.

Yours in TRUE health,

Amya

Covert Narcissism: Is My Friend Toxic, Or Am I Just Too Sensitive?